Letters to the Editor

Q: I am a reader of Young Muslim Digest, I like the ‘Letters to the Editor’ section of the magazine, and today, since I, too, have some doubts, I look forward to YMD for helping me sort out my problems in the righteous way. I am a student, 20 years of age. I used to have a friend (male) but, recently, I stopped being in touch with him. We have been very good friends from past two years, we used to share all kinds of problems from college to family. But lately, he started taking this friendship the other way. He says he likes me a lot and wants to get married to me. I, too, like him, but I never tried to make our relationship in such way as it is haraam in Islam and also I personally feel that my parents will never agree to this. I belong to a well-educated and economically better family than his. My parents have always thought of marrying me to a doctor, engineer, etc., a well-settled person from an educated family. He, on the other hand, has studied only till 10th grade (although he belongs to a religious background and is himself quite pious).

Keeping this in mind, I stopped replying to him, but he says that he can’t imagine life without me and he is asking me to be with him. His cousin told me that he is very hurt since I left him and it is affecting his health and habits too. I feel bad as I, too, cannot see him in this state, but I even cannot go against my parents and also do things which are prohibited in Islam. I cannot speak with my parents about this as they will get very angry saying why did I speak with him as a friend in the first place.

I am very upset about the decision I took as it is hurting both of us but somewhere I feel that I did the right thing. Please help me out of my confusion and please let me know what I should do hereafter. Eagerly waiting for your reply.

Syeda Masroor,
On Email

YMD

You have taken the right decision about abandoning the man and your friendship with him. You need to choose a mate, with approval of your parents and other dear ones, and not enter into an accidental marriage.

An accidental marriage is one in which a person falls in love with someone – whom he, or she, met by accident – and marries him or her. A marriage of choice is one in which one has several propositions, and, after careful considerations and consultations, chooses one or the other. This is what parents normally do. They do not fall in love with a boy and say, “This one or none.” Those who fall in love, know only one and choose from one. Actually, they do not use the option of choice.

As for the foolhardy young man, you need not worry on his account. You had never asked him to fall in love with you. You had only ‘allowed’ him to fall in love by making friends with him. You did not actually ‘ask’ him to do so; so, no responsibility is on you. To be sure, had you fallen in love with him, even then, refusal to marry him would not have been betrayal. That is because, had you fallen in love with him, you would have gone against your Lord, and against your parents; and anything done against the Lord’s will is illegal, null and void.

So, you have done the right thing by rejecting the man’s advances.

We have called him foolhardy because he chose the wrong person to fall in love with. Having failed to finish school, he should have gone to a slum and chosen a primary-school-passed girl and fallen in love with her. If he was not foolhardy, then, he was a cunning Osmond of the ‘Portrait of a Lady.’ Were you to marry him, your chapter 42 would have taken place in the first chapter alone, that is, during the first month of marriage.

You say he is pious. This class of pious humbugs grow more in the fields today than carrots.

As regards your parents looking for a doctor or engineer to marry you off, those are not the first qualifications to look for. They might first look for a religious, knowledgeable person, and then place ‘kufu’ as the second qualification – apart from a few others.

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